Why Men Recover Worse than Women at Breakups
Breakup recovery is already a tedious and intricate process, but men don’t make significant progress unless they know what exactly they’re up against.
In this post, Mike Kelly dissects the biological, psychological and societal reasons why men statistically recover worse at breakups than women.
Without this information, I was going nowhere in my recovery.
I thought my mind would rot in self-incrimination and my heart ache for years. All the while my future would whoosh away as I felt lonely, insecure and rather powerless. I wish I could say I was being dramatic, but breakups have a tendency to put us there.
From there, my precious moments with friends would be robbed in my ever-subtle hurt. Family reunions would only be sub-par due to my permanent aches and sadness.
The fact of the matter is, if we stay this way, we’ll never again enjoy the precious moments life has to offer. We wouldn’t be a good match for our ideal partner even if they were to stumble into our lives.
Everything depends on us making a progressive and mature recovery. Banks accounts included.
And guess what? Men don’t do a good job at this.
PS: When I say men recover “worse,” I mean unrepaired long-term damage, not necessarily the magnitude of pain. Women often own that accolade.
I was so sick of feeling emotionally f*cked up. I was angry, lonely and wasting my time.
I had to find a REAL solution!
And so I did…
Then life got better. A LOT better! I finally had both the peace-of-mind and certainty to move forward in life.
The solution was figuring out what the f*ck I was up against.
From there, I…
- Recovered more quickly
- Spent less money on stupid vices
- Learned to methodically attack my pain
- and had fewer headaches doing it
Once I discovered why men recover worse than women at breakups, the paralysis stopped. I could start progressing in my future again. It will do the same for you, too!
And when I first learned about this, my mouth was agape. “How am I only hearing about this now?!”
But the why makes total sense…
As well, for you visual learners, I have a video version of this article on our YouTube channel.
As a former structural engineer, I learned to solve problems by taking everything under consideration, including the environmental conditions (soil consolidation, wind load, etc.). Permanent solutions lie in certainty. Once I knew why men recover MUCH WORSE at breakups than women, I could make the right moves and move forward with confidence!
This is why men recover worse at breakups:
The reason is multi-faceted — rooted in biology, psychology and cultural expectations.
Let’s start with biology…
Biologically speaking, breakups are social abandonment. The pain we feel from breakups is equivalent to poking our bodies with a hot iron (I’m not even kidding). Our minds perceive social abandonment and pain as equally important. This is due to our ancestry.
When Sapiens were bands of hunters and gatherers, survival was guaranteed by relying on group cohesion. The one who was “broken up” from the group was sure to die, as they had to fend for themselves. Obviously this is no longer the case but the biological adaptation remains.
This is why breakups are so painful.
Instead of dying from eating the wrong mushroom or drinking bad water, the TRUER DEATH of a breakup is in your loss of character and will. We will learn more about this in the psychological reasons.
BUT WHAT’S THE BIOLOGICAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN WITH BREAKUPS?
Due to our nature, women have more to lose by choosing the wrong mate. Naturally, they are evolved to invest more time and energy in their relationship, as their union could lead to a 9-month pregnancy followed by nursing and caretaking. More is demanded from gals than us guys (who could leave immediately after sex).
This weight to chose the right partner brings women down harder after breakups. It “hurts” more immediately than it does men.
NOW MEN, HERE’S OUR PROBLEM (AND IT’S BAD):
Since it doesn’t hurt men right away, we don’t often immediately act upon it. But after time, we start to face the facts…
Over time, it starts to sink in we may have lost something important and potentially irreplaceable. Ever so slowly, this idea sinks in and we start to realize we lost security — a reference of of social capability and esteem.
Biologically, we come to the understanding we’ll have to champion over other guys to get a suitable partner.
THIS NEXT PART IS BIG!
Now that we have this perceived need to “champion over other men”, we start to obsessively compare ourselves to other guys, subconsciously asking…
- “What more do I need to be attractive?”
- “How can I come off as capable and confident?”
- “What can I do to get a date?”
- “What does my body have to look like?”
And guess what? The self-improvement industry does SOOO well answering these frivolous questions, completely ignoring the underlying issues.
RESULT:
We needlessly chase these biologically-rooted demands never knowing what’s causing them in the first place. So we resort to mimicking trust-fund babies and playboys to see how they get it all.
It is because of this misdirected solution from the current industry, men generally don’t fully recover from a breakup — they simply “move on” while perpetuating needs for vanity and chauvinism.
Next, psychology…
Why are breakups the death of character and will? This is where things get interesting real fast.
Love is not logical. Somehow, we already knew this. That’s because love and logic belong to different regions of the brain. They do not share capacities.
Activities like craving, musical interpretation, taste and physical pain is processed by the same region we process love. Generally, this has nothing to do with frontal lobe function associated to logic and reason.
Our judgment of body, mind and local environment do not come from our frontal lobes. These other areas of the brain undergo extreme activity during social abandonment.
This stress compromises our self-awareness and how we relate to the world, creating a garden bed in which we undoubtedly fill with self-doubt and loneliness. You don’t just lose someone close to you, you start to lose a relationship with yourself.
I go deeper into the psychology of this process in my recovery course but this is the general gist — and it’s damn important to know.
And finally, cultural expectations…
This is the main differentiator as to why men recover worse at breakups…
Statistically, women get hit harder early after the breakup. But women quickly start the recovery process where men… oh, boy. We let it linger which affects us in subtle ways, generally for the long-haul.
Society demands men to be emotionally stoic and untroubled marble statues. The phenomenon of “championing over other men” is called the Hegemonic Masculinity Directive and is culturally appropriated in TV, social media, cinema, and previous generations.
So yeah… both genders have it rough, but men let it affect them much longer which prolongs emotional ambiguity and damages your…
- Mental landscape
- Creativity
- Ambition/drive
- Bodily health
- and bank accounts
We then exist in a state of “perma-frustrations”, never truly enacting on our creative potential. From here, we risk resorting to posturing to over-inflate our compromised egos…
What’s more precious than “body counts” or inflated egos?
Time.
Time is the one thing we always use to keep doing cool sh*t in our lives. It’s the most precious commodity we will ever have. Men often waste their time stuck in heartbreak while they let their dreams die along with their livers.
In summary…
Men generally suck at breakup recovery. Our biological responsibilities (or lack there of) don’t give us immediate reason to address our breakup pain. So it gets compartmentalized and tucked away. But over time, we think about what we’ve lost:
- Union
- Intimacy
- and a reference of social security and esteem
We start to come to the conclusion we’ll have to compete for suitable partners. We don’t make the best decisions because of our psychological emergency. Parts of the brain that process love and pain go hyperactive. This is bad considering the same part of the brain is responsible for reward and decision-making.
Oh, yeah, how could I forget the truer death in breakups? We quickly lose reference of bodily and mental awareness. And finally, we juggle these things about with the added pressure of needing to appear competent and capable, unmoved and stoic.
But don’t worry. We’re not completely f*cked
Just because men recover worse than women at breakups doesn’t mean we’re completely effed.
I’ve spent the last five years finding permanent solutions to the breakup industry. My current responsibility is to improve the conversation around breakup recovery and — indistinguishably, self-actualization.
That’s right. They’re one and the same…
The best way I can share this methodology is hear your needs and deliver apt solutions to our most painful breakup problems. Opting in to our email list is the best way I can deliver that.
Want further education on men's breakup recovery?
Join the other listeners who’ve decided stagnation isn’t enough!
And don’t delay!
Take heed why men generally suck at breakup recovery! Now that you know what you’re up against, it’s time to do something about it!
Breakups offer the perfect opportunity to change everything about yourself — for the better!
Why is it such a great opportunity?
We are in a raw state of existence. I say “raw” because during this sh*tty time, our deepest emotions are unearthed. There’s nothing sugar-coating our emotions or convincing us everything is perfect when in fact, things can be better.
It’s the perfect chance to seize on your wildest ambitions or work towards getting the partner of your dreams. Consider your breakup a wake-up call.
Take back your time and don’t delay.
Cheers,
Mike T. Kelly
Editor of Prosperity
Mike Kelly
Editor of Prosperity
Ex-structural engineer gone expat polyglot. Through his speaking events, published writings and online blog, he strives to influence millions of travelers to be their best selves while experiencing novelty overseas. His desire for adventure travel is rivaled by his love for motorcycles, airplanes and family. Michael graduated from Gonzaga University with studies in civil engineering and philosophy. For his 29th birthday, he moved to Africa where he is experiencing his next transformative experience.
Why Men Recover Worse at Breakups FAQ
Do men take longer to recover from a breakup?
Both sexes suffer heartache after breakups. Generally, men take much longer to recover because they often delay the grieving process. This is due to biological, psychological and societal complications regarding men in today's society. Delaying recovery has significantly deeper and more complicating effect on men than those who don't delay. This is why it is recommended to seek post-breakup recovery courses to reach prosperity sooner and with less heartache.
Why is it harder for men after a breakup?
Though it is difficult to say which sex gets hit harder after a breakup, men tend to feel a slower oncoming of the pain where women statistically get hit harder more immediately. Men suffer much more farther down the line, as loss of intimacy, security and affirmations start to creep into their livelihood. It is recommended to seek post-breakup recovery courses to reach prosperity sooner and with less heartache.
Why do breakups affect men later?
Breakups tend to affect men later due to three primary reasons: biological, psychological and societal conditions.
Biologically, men have less bodily repercussions immediately after a breakups unlike women (no pregnancy or nursing). So they don't feel heartbreak as immediately or intensely. Psychologically, breakups cause irregular activity in the Anterior Cingulate Cortex and Insular Cortex. These regions are responsible for craving, musical interpretation, pain, love and sound judgment of mind, body and local environment. When undergoing extreme stress, these judgments are impaired and results in lack of acceptability, motivation and general awareness of their condition.
Do men struggle after breakups?
Of course! Both women and men feel extreme pain when undergoing heartbreak. Statistically, women immediately act in their breakup recovery (as they are hit harder more immediately). Men have the bigger problem. Often, they let pain linger for some time until loss of union, security and affirmations become more apparent. This delay in recovery has significant long term repercussions that corrodes their will, drive, ambition and sense of self-capability. This is why it is recommended to seek post-breakup recovery courses to reach prosperity sooner and with less heartache.