Emotional Intelligence in Relationships and How it Can Improve
Ever wonder why some people lack emotional intelligence or how you can improve yours?
In this article, I answer the hidden reasons why people are not entirely at fault when attempting to express their emotions and how to improve it.
I wrote this article for a close friend (as I do all my articles). When she asked me to investigate this topic, I thought, “Ohh, snap. This is going to save people a lot of tears and greatly improve security with their partners. She’s onto something more people need to know about. How does emotional intelligence falter in relationships? Why do some have it and others need more practice?” Time to get educated. This definitely included me.
Let's Define Emotional Intelligence [EI]:
Emotional intelligence is multi-faceted and divided into two halves.
The first half is the wielding your own emotions to relieve negative feelings of stress to communicate effectively, overcome your emotional upticks and defuse internal tension.
The other half is external and relates to others. EI is the skillful recognition of the emotions around you—how others are feeling and the significance or source of these feelings. This includes empathizing with others.
Emotional Intelligence is an encyclopedia—a cause and effect flow-chart of emotions and how they impact yourself and others.
There is some debate to different categories of EI, but what is crucial to know is there is an inflow process and outflow process to EI.
Is "Emotional Intelligence" the Right Word?
Now, is “emotional intelligence” a good word-choice for this process? A general definition of intelligence is one’s ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skill. So yeah, “EI” will do.
Emotional intelligence isn’t mono-dimensional. It’s a two-way exchange with four key moments of transactions. We have both the internal and external exchange of EI. I’m about to break this process down and it will either help you get in tune with your own EI or better assist someone who could use and EI-savvy friend to coach them along.
The Process:
Let’s look at emotional intelligence as an engineer would. The real-world EI process is as follows:
Step 1: I'm Listening
You receive emotional communication from a person. This is both verbal and nonverbal.
It goes right to your general awareness. Your EI prowess relies on how accurately and deeply you recognize their emotional wellbeing or standpoint. But the responsibility isn’t solely on you.
There are two sides to EI: how well they communicate it and how well you understand it. In every emotional transaction, the exchange is always shared.
Step 2: I'm Feeling
From your awareness, the signals are sent to your brain where it does its best to process the information.
Your own feelings and first impressions immediately arise. Feelings and emotions are processed in the Anterior Cingulate Cortex and Insula. These regions of your brain also process craving, taste, music and physical pain. If you notice, this isn’t the neocortex.
So often, impulsive or short-fused people are inclined to spit out their immediate feelings and judgments in the middle of this step before they can process it.
Step 3: I'm Processing
But hopefully before you lose control, you cognitively process your own feelings from their communication. Your brain catches up and reasoning and rationality allow you to aptly (let’s hope) understand your emotions. This is then sent back to your awareness.
Step 4: I'm Communicating
Finally, from your general awareness, you perform the last duty of the EI activity and attempt to accurately share your own emotions and feelings.
If you think this process runs smoother than a lamb’s ass after shear day, you’re wrong.
Where Emotional Intelligence Goes Wrong:
Humans are innately emotional and instinctive. We feel first, think later.
Only after the cognitive revolution did our rationality really drive our species forward. Here are complications that occur at specific points during the EI transaction.
Complications of Step 1:
If one fails to communicate emotions accurately, you’re challenged with deciphering encrypted information and can only speculate on their true emotional condition.
If they are hiding their emotions (whether to gain power over you or due to an inability), your emotional communication with them will be degraded.
Being unskilled in expressing your emotions is not a crime but rather an art. Some must be inspired to do so while others already have the artist’s touch. In rarer cases (but unfortunately still prevalent—especially in fuck bois), one may intentionally withhold their emotions in attempt to bait you in and receive further devotion and intimacy from you. Though not entirely honest nor trustworthy, there are very human reasons they may do this. After all, intimacy and devotion are emotionally addicting.
But this ill-advised and clandestine form of communication is nothing to be admired. It shows an inherent lack of self-security and a short-sighted understanding of the long-term damage it has on themselves and their partners.
Let me be clear, though, withholding emotions itself is not entirely malicious. Men and women withhold their emotions for many reasons.
Some need extra time to process their feelings and aren’t ready to serve a half-baked emotional pie. Others fear being perceived as weak, needy or overly sensitive. If this is the case, remember you are at your strongest when you can admit you’re at your weakest.
If a child is involved, the parent figure may not want to worry or overwhelm the child with negative feelings or distraught. Another reason may be their discomfort for such intimacy. Sharing is caring and caring can be scary. This is overcome by activities of self-assuredness.
And finally, instead of the EI deficit coming from them, you may be off at interpreting their emotional communication. So as I said, the responsibility is a two-part exchange.
Complications of Step 2:
Some parts of the brain are quicker to take in another’s emotional correspondence.
Feelings and emotions are processed in the Insula and Anterior Cingulate Cortex. These are the emotional regions of the brain. These regions can be compromised by physically damage or any psychological emergency (a death, breakup, or other traumatic experience).
In such a condition, you lose understanding of your “global emotional moment” [GEM]. Your GEM is the ultimate representation of your feelings regarding subjective emotions and environmental stimuli. If that tool is compromised, you’re trying to scan emotions with faulty equipment—your own emotions included!
Complications of Step 3:
As your work through their feelings and your own emotions to the matter, you retroactively pin a “why” to your “what.”
Example—you first feel something (the what) and then rationalize it (the why). If you are more impulsive, this process will never occur, or you’ll make half-assed work of it. This helps no one.
Complications of Step 4:
Finally, you attempt to speak your emotional mind. Many hang-ups happen here.
If you’re an introvert, the words might not be readily available (as they process information deeply). Even if not an introvert, perhaps you have your own reasons to hide your true emotions. Look into them.
For the most honest and accurate expressions of emotion, exercising both defensive meditation (awareness-building) and offensive mediation (intention-building) can get you there. Just don’t forget potential faults in your own EI!
EI a two-way street. You receive and give. Bipartisan. Two to tango. Peanut butter and chocolate. Cereal and milk. Mimosas and brunch. Traveling and personal growth. Sex and endorphins.
Why Does EI Lack in Others (or Yourself)?
Though alexithymia exists, I’m not an expert on such a condition and will leave it to the medical journals to inform you. Consult a credible medical journal if inclined. But you probably don’t have it.
The aptitude of anyone’s EI depends on what rules they’re playing with.
People learn social rules to express their emotions. I’m talking about obstructive social survival mechanisms. They are the main cause for poor self-awareness and ineffective emotional communication. These learned social survival mechanisms are often referred to as “relationship games.”
Such behavior is learned from previously dishonest or deceptive relationships. It also happens during childhood.
The operant word here is obstructive—specifically, negating open and honest communication of your emotions and intentions.
The Eli Scenario:
We all understand what’s going on when someone says, “Ohhh, Courtney is playing relationship games with Eli. Poor bastard…” We assume Eli did something that made Courtney upset and now she’s handling it indirectly and making Eli guess what the hell’s going on. Eli becomes more frustrated with Courtney and Courtney becomes more frustrated with Eli. The problem resolves either by indirect communication or it gets tucked away in the closet of relationship skeletons and they temporarily forget the whole thing ever happened. They go back to watching Night Crawler on Netflix and that’s that. If Mr. Eli is compliant to Courtney’s indirect signals, he’ll be walking on eggshells for the rest of the month, catering to her needs as best he understands them. This momentarily satisfies Courtney’s obscure demands and she in turn, is gratified.
His compliance reinforces her need to play such a game again.
The viscous cycle continues.
We all know the phrase, “play shitty games, get shitty prizes.” Indirect communication and weird relationship games seems to be more common than couples climaxing together.
Partners play relationships games quite literally. They fit themselves into a role in life (a bishop, for example) and are trying to fulfill this role as best they can. Bishops can only move diagonally, so it’s perceived a person can only move diagonally when in a specific situation.
People behave this way because in their past, this diagonal move was effective or emulated. Courtney’s just doing what she thinks works, even though she’s in a totally different relationship—and the rules have changed.
In accepting that people play games due to self-inscrutability and self-inscrutability alone, we fail to carve out the most compassion possible for people who were subject to playing these games in the past.
Such habits break down emotional communication. Partners don’t understand what they’re being told and when you share yours, they decipher it with an incompatible key. Nobody’s making Couple of the Month Club this way.
Here is my favorite personal example:
“My recent ex is a three-time felon. You should be careful dating me.”
Huh? You’re telling me this… why?
After I cut through the jungle of more strange remarks and cryptic messages, she admitted she wanted to feel valuable to date.
Of course, she is! I resolved her immediate worry of such a concern, finished the enjoyable first date, then openly communicated we both should find more compatible people for each other. Sorry, I’m not looking for that situation right now.
If this response seems crass or hypocritical, keep reading.
How to Deal with EI Deficient People:
The most crucial step is to minimize their impact on you.
This doesn’t mean instantly breaking up with them or withdrawing completely. Even if you plan to help them, you’ve got to make sure you come out with the fewest scratches possible.
For example, when walking into ground zero or a Taco Bell bathroom, you still put on the hazmat suit.
This is the most helpful thing I’ve read in the past month:
Treat people as fact. We don’t brood in contempt nor become bitter from such neutral things as facts. Do we cry or lash out to the comets in the sky or chemistry on earth? No.
Once you learn to treat people’s behavior as fact, it gives you an existential barrier barring needless harm from others. If a stranger tries to exploit you for all the money in your pocket, it’s just a thing that happens. Compassion goes a long way and it results in your peace-of-mind.
How to Improve Your Partner's EI:
Say your partner is lacking some emotional intelligence. They may still genuinely care about you and love you, but their expressions of such falls short. There’s a solution:
The first step is the hardest.
You must determine if they can even be helped or share a desire to improve. If they lack this basic desire or if your goals, values and intentions are misaligned, then you need to explore if such a relationship is worth saving.
If they lack self-awareness and you believe their desire to collaborate with you is genuine, don’t give up.
The second step is the second hardest.
Ask yourself if you are the right person for the job—the right messenger. You may be too close to the problem or emotionally compromised, giving neither of you a fair advantage towards mutual prosperity.
Men generally receive most (if not all) their intimacy, affirmations and emotional security from their partners. So, if you’re a lady feeling up to the task, there’s a good chance you’re the right person for the job.
Whoever becomes the messenger, trust must be established.
Your partner must trust the messenger. If you’re committed to working with your partner but trust was recently broken, it is advised to let someone else do it. They must believe the messenger has their best interests at heart.
It helps to reserve malicious judgment and resonate with their own motives. Also, foster an environment where it’s safe to be vulnerable, so don’t be shy with your own feelings! Sharing is caring,
Anytime you (or another messenger) is gearing up to help your partner out, don’t ambush them. Call it strategic patience.
Don’t just start firing off advice at any point in the day. Only once you catch them in an EI deficient moment, use that opportunity to explain how their missed EI caused miscommunication, grief, stress or any other adverse consequences.
Just remember, they’re still human—and so are you! Exercise compassion and patience.
How to Know When It's Time to Give Up:
Truthfully, you’ll know.
Once many of these activities are not yielding results for a long period of time, you may have to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
It helps to keep in mind one of the pleasures of a relationship is getting assistance from your partner to help you get closer to the ideal version of yourself.
If growth is regularly stunted, that’s worth a pause for thought. Learning to be a better human with another is a capacity building exercise, meaning you should be expanding the potential of your best self. This is a natural movement towards self-overcoming.
In my experience, learning to be comfortable with the discomfort of loneliness is an essential step to the coveted chase of self-overcoming. This is one reason why I moved to Kenya for my 29th birthday.
You need to learn to handle the world so the world can learn to handle you.
The whole point of self-overcoming is to accurately obtain inventory of your most unique attributes and gifts. Then use them to deliver your gifts to the world.
My Coffeehouse Wager to You:
This is my coffeehouse wager to you:
Look through your own habits of emotional intelligence to see if they make your ideal self proud.
If not (or if there is only a little tweaking to do), expose yourself to any myriad of challenges others face. Everyone is quietly waging a battle nobody else knows about. Get in their mind, read a book about it, or watch a documentary. Just expose yourself to a foreign challenge to learn a plight others commonly face.
Often, that’s enough for you to dial in your emotional awareness.
Your Concise Conclusion:
To recap, EI is a four-part activity where you accurately interpret the emotions of others and can distinguish any internal emotions you feel.
Ultimately, this activity is geared towards productive ends and an amelioration to negative stimuli.
Most errors in achieving good emotional communication come from staying engrained in previous social survival mechanisms. These are usually shown in childhood or from previous relationships.
When interacting with EI deficient peers, it’s important to minimize harm you may feel. If your partner is EI deficient, there are great ways to assist them, as long as they know you have their best interests in mind. Trust must be established and compassion plentiful.
Reach out on IG (@that.expat.philosophy) and let’s discuss it!
Cheers,
MTK
Mike T. Kelly
Editor of Prosperity
Ex-structural engineer gone expat polyglot. Through his book, speaking events, published writings and online blog, he strives to influence millions of travelers to be their best selves while experiencing novelty overseas or at home. His desire for adventure travel is rivaled by his love for motorcycles, airplanes and family. Michael graduated from Gonzaga University with studies in civil engineering and philosophy. For his 29th birthday, he moved to Africa where he is experiencing his next transformative experience.
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Emotional Intelligence and Relationships FAQ:
How does emotional intelligence help in relationships?
Emotional intelligence is the bipartisan exchange of emotion and feeling. The clearer that communication and ability to empathize with it, the more prosperous you both will become. Clear EI brings both of you closer together offering deeper intimacy and an advance in character growth.
How emotional intelligence builds relationships?
Comradery in any relationship in part is built on mutual validation of each other's experiences and exploration of their emotions. Emotional intelligence is the activity of sharing such emotions and building that trust and comradery.
What is emotional intelligence in dating?
Since emotional intelligence is the transparent exchange of emotion and feeling (part of your identity), EI in dating is simply the mutual sharing of authentic personalities.
How does emotional intelligence affect relationships?
Emotional intelligence is a four-part activity where you accurately interpret the emotions of others and can distinguish any internal emotions you feel. If emotional communication is eroded, so is intimacy, security and trust. But these are just the negative effects.